linger

It’s been a while since I talked with you. I just want you to know that I’m perfectly fine and I guess nothing is wrong with me. It’s been a rough week for me. I don’t know why I feel so damn hopeless. Everything seems to be so wrong. I’ve tried my best to do all of my home work. I had all covered, well I think. But still it’s not enough. Stop complaining was my motto lately.

But my humanity refuses it.

I got confused. I seem to mix all things up. Forget what is real and what is not. Thousands time, I am telling the world that the job is killing me. Thousands time I complaint and end up zero. Thousands time I weep and got only a swollen eye. Neither any of us wanted to be sarcastic or hopeless. But this life that I’ve been dealing with suddenly seems so blur. Knowing the answer will be f*cking pathetic, I still asking why.

I’m old, that’s why. I’m still no body, that’s why. I’m still concerned about the bill, that’s why. I don’t have a boyfriend and little worried about my love life, that’s why. I don’t have money on time, that’s why. Perhaps those stupid things can make you laugh till you die, but I do admit that the temptation to think about it is really big.

Did it ever cross your mind that friends are the last thing that you need on earth? I’m beginning to think that I’m loosing my mind. I feel alone and empty right now. I never wanted to be a rude bitch who’s blaming the world for everything that ever happened to her. Well just a bitch with an attitude. Nevertheless, I’m fucked up.

They say the more you get old, the more you’ll fell lonely. Says who “just leave me alone” was a perfect scenario. I hate being alone. I hate to stay up late and start wondering. I hate to see my self begging for God’s mercy and yet I’ve never remember to pray. I hate to see me get paid for less money and yet I know I have to earn more. I hate to think about my old years. I hate being sober and think about what I’ve done to my life. Was it good or really damn good? I hate New Year.

[Yeah, I am aware that it is not supposed to be said in public. So what, ban me for this]

What is it about your life that makes you think having a man on your side will help you get out of this mess? Like there was no tomorrow. A quick answer will be: I’m afraid that the longer I stay alone, there more it comforts me.

Apparently the age that I’ve spent, doesn’t make me a grown-up. It was the cruel side of me that do the talking. And yes I felt that.

I’m like a bird. No, I’m not talking about Nelly’s song. I’m just saying that I’m like a bird that is it. No further intention.

[Another part of me saying]

God never did leave me; it was me who walked-out the bond. I was never been a good member of a religious community. And it’s always about me. It’s always about disappointment; it’s always about hope, prayers, thankfulness. It is never about consciousness. It’s more like an obligation. And I hate that.

You must be really confused about stupid things that I’ve wrote. But I really wanted to have my heart praying to my Holy God without asking further due. Just submit to my fate. Able to close my eyes and get rid all the things that goes around was never accomplished. There are always things in my head queuing to be said.

[I never really had the experience having my head empty and focus only to God]

I often talked to my dear God at night. You know, times when people are not so busy anymore. It’s just the perfect time to rewind you self. Even without all the preparation, the dupa and other stuff that completed the ceremony. I find my self in comfort. I try to read more about my bible but catch only the general point and so I stopped. I’m afraid that I absorb the wrong side of story I might end up pervert. Anyway, the book called “Mahabarata” really helps me a lot. It shows you how all the good things always come to the end and happen in the end. The wise men always say that Good deeds will lead you to another good episode of life.

[What about mine?]